Teambuilding
by Zuzivlas
Summary: Starfleet ordered all officers of each ship to meet once weekly for shared activities to enforce better relationships. Naturally, captain James T. Kirk makes the activities rather interesting, or so he thinks. Total crack fic with mature themes!


After a few years long break, me and my sister Wintermage82 finally wrote another fic. It´s our first dab into Star Trek fiction and hopefully you´ll enjoy it. Reviews are love and while we don´t mind constructive criticism, keep in mind that this is an utter crack fic aka, it´s insane and full of OOC-ness! If that´s not your cup of tea, feel free to leave now.

Also, we know that technically Uhura is higher ranked than this but it was important she be the last, trust us.

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><p>If there was one thing the whole crew of Starship Enterprise had learned during their ongoing 5 year mission, it was that James T. Kirk could NOT be trusted when he had that particular glint in his eye. Their worries were proven right when they heard about his interpretation of the newest Starfleet regulation. The command each captain obtained was that "To improve working relationships, trust and effectiveness, the officers of every Starship must meet weekly after their shifts for shared leisure activities". How the captain went from there to shared porn nights, none of them knew.<p>

However the captain in question was rather proud of his idea and couldn´t wait for the first porn night to happen. There was only one rule – each week somebody else would supply their favourite porn video that they would all watch. Naturally, the captain himself would go first and so he spent most of his free time the 4 days before porn night going over his extensive collection, unable to choose just 1. Should he go for some of the best exotic alien porn he had acquired or go for good old Earth classics? 4 days later, the captain barely managed to narrow the list down to 400 different videos. Porn night was to begin in just half an hour and so in desperate need to make a choice, he went for the longest video in his library. There was bound to be something for everybody in it after all.

When he entered the officers lounge, he was greeted by 5 people and 1 half Vulcan that were merely sitting there out of duty. Not one of them looked as excited as the captain himself felt. That would not do. Putting on his patented winning Kirk smile, the captain stood in front of the small group holding his treasured data disc.

"Good evening Lady and Gentlemen, I´m glad we could all meet this fine day for a little fun. As you are aware, we shall be meeting here each week to get to know each other a little better. As your captain, I will provide the entertainment tonight but I would like to ask who wants to volunteer to host next week."

The captain was disappointed by the deadly silence which followed. 2 minutes later he cleared his throat.

"Right, never mind. To avoid possible arguments when more people would like to host the same night, we will go based on rank, from top to bottom. Congratulations Mr. Spock, you are our host next week."

The captain consciously ignored the slightly hardening gaze of the Vulcan and the faint green tint his complexion suddenly acquired.

"Right, with that solved, let´s start this party!"

The captain managed to ignore the less than enthusiastic reply of his officers as he loaded up the file on the screen and sat down to enjoy it. The lights had been dimmed to provide the right atmosphere as the first cheesy porn tones filled the room. His choice ended up being an Earthly video after all, nothing too kinky, but definitely enjoyable.

Half an hour into the viewing, the video had had its effect on all the officers. Spock viewed it with his typical stoicism and a slightly glassy eyed expression the others had learned meant open eyed meditation. The doctor, Sulu, Scotty and Chekov were all deeply asleep while Uhura turned her eyes away in disgust. The captain was feeling the effects as well as it was getting harder and harder to hide his predicament.

3 hours into the video, Spock and Uhura joined the others in deep unconsciousness while the captain was planning an inconspicuous escape to relieve some of the... ehm... tension.

5 hours into the video, the doctor and Scotty began to wake up feeling rather rested and ready to start the new day. A look around the room revealed the others were still fast asleep, Chekov curled around Sulu was actually pretty cute, while Spock drooling on the couch was a sight to behold all of its own. The captain was pretty much shaking by this point, red faced and sweating. Unable to hold it any longer, he stuttered out some kind of excuse and ran out of the room.

Raising an eyebrow at finding it was still the same one video that´s been running for over 5 hours now, the doctor went to wake the rest up in his typical gentle manner while Scotty turned off the screening.

When the captain returned, the lounge was empty. Disappointed he got his data disc and decided to finish watching the movie in the privacy of his own quarters. After all, it would be a disrespect to the makers if he didn´t.

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><p>The week passed by and Spock was getting progressively greener the closer to screening they got. What he was about to share was very special to him and went against all his instincts to protect his privacy. But an order was an order, however illogical. Unlike the captain, there was no excited presentation of his contribution, just a clinical introduction to what is considered high quality Vulcan adult footage.<p>

40 minutes of hand caressing later, Spock was finding it difficult to reign in his human side and running out of the room, aroused to the point of desperation. Uhura was disgusted, the captain was half interested and the rest asleep. The only fun part was getting to hear Spock´s strained voice as he excused himself.

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><p>The third week was to be held by one Dr. Leonard McCoy and the captain was wondering what his dear Bones would prepare for them. By his "Damnit Jim, I´m a doctor, not a porn distributor!" remark earlier in the week, the captain knew it would be something good.<p>

Pushing play without any introduction whatsoever, the others couldn´t believe their eyes at what they were seeing. 20 minutes after the deer mating clip began, Uhura was very disgusted, the others asleep, the captain half interested and Bones planning his escape.

Jim had to avoid deadly hypos for the next few days after his jab "Damnit Bones, I thought you were a doctor, not a kinky animal porn lover!"

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><p>Week 4 was Scotty´s and found the engineer grinning from ear to ear all through it. When the night came, his introduction rivalled that of the captain and actually made the others hope for something interesting.<p>

The porn turned out to be nothing more than clips of the Enterprise getting built with slow motion shots of every single inch of the ship. Uhura was disgusted, the captain half interested, Scotty drooling and flushed while the rest slept.

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><p>Week 5 was Sulu´s and by now everybody was slightly worried about the choice. Apparently they were rightfully so as the video they were forced to watch was of pollinating flowers.<p>

Uhura was disgusted, the captain half interested, Sulu aroused beyond all measure and the rest asleep.

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><p>Week 6 was Chekov´s turn and the rest wasn´t even sure he had a porno to share. However the young ensign was excited albeit shy to show them his treasured possession. All were surprised as he introduced the movie called "Blind date in Paris gone wild". The captain looked like a proud father when Pavel pushed play.<p>

The video began with a fairly attractive couple meeting up in a café and chatting. Sadly, 70 minutes later, the setting didn´t change much and not even a single button was undone. When the film ended with a parting kiss on the woman´s cheek, Chekov had to run out of the room, the captain was half interested while everybody including Uhura slept.

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><p>Week 7 was Uhura´s responsibility and considering she spent most of the screenings before disgusted, everybody expected something mild. What they got instead was hardcore kinky S&amp;M prison porn with 3 men. Uhura was grinning, the captain half interested and the rest disgusted.<p>

Nobody slept for 2 more days for varying reasons.


End file.
